Sheldon Biber

March, 1935 - August, 2008

DANGEROUS CREATURES
by Sheldon Biber

The Bear

Beware
the Bear
He doesn't care
a button about being fair
For when you're putting on your clothes
He'll sneak right up on tippy-toes
and tweak your nose

The Fly

Decry
the fly
Who buzzes by
Within the twinkling of an eye
Then makes a soaring loop-the-loop
and dives headfirst into your soup with germs of croup

The Boar

Deplore
the boar
who makes a roar
And charges headlong at your door
Then when he sees you standing there
Walks up so cool and debonair
And pulls your hair

The Perch

Besmirch
the Perch
Who makes a search
For ways to leave you in the lurch
And when he sees how he deceives
and how the soul within you grieves
He, lurching, leaves

The Freud

Avoid
the Freud
Whom folks have toyed
about with when they're underjoyed
He tells you that you've been a kid
Then, reaching for your forty quid
He shakes your Id

Forestall
them all
if they should call
By hiding silent in the hall
If boar or bear should fly about
or Freud should perch and loudly shout
Pretend you're out

ONCE
by Sheldon Biber

Once on a warm and sunny day
I went into the woods to play
And when I reached a little brook,
I jumped, but I forgot to look...

And as I leapt across that stream
I heard a tiny little scream
And then I heard a tiny shout,
A teeny, tiny "Hey, watch out!"

And then I saw upon the ground
Some teeny, tinies running 'round;
I grabbed a teeny, tiny guy
And held him up before my eye

His beard was gray; his shoes were green;
Best looking elf I've ever seen
Oh, such a handsome looking elf;
He looked exactly like myself

He looked at me and said, "Be wise;
Go pick on someone your own size!"
What could I do? What could I say?
I put him back down right away...

"Hooray! Hooray!" his friends did shout,
The way you do when school gets out,
And then the tinies ran away,
I stayed there in the woods to play.

But then I heard a monstrous sound;
A great vibration shook the ground
I screamed, and then I turned around
And when I did, what did I see
Two feet...ten times the size of me!

And then I looked up and about
And then I shouted 'Hey, watch out!"
And then a giant's hand came down,
And lifted me up off the ground

He lifted me up to the sky
And held me near his giant eye
His beard was gray; his shoes were green;
Best looking giant I've ever seen

He made me feel just like an elf
He looked exactly like myself!
I looked at him and said 'Be wise,
Go pick on someone your own size!'

What could he do? What could he say?
He put me back down right away.
"Hooray! Hooray! Yahoo! Yahoo!"
I shouted then, and so would you

And then I ran home right away,
I guess I'd had enough of play...
That happened many years ago; I'm here today to tell you so

To tell you just what I've discerned
About just what it was I learned
This memory for you to keep:
"Be sure you look before you leap..."

And I don't say that just to you,
I tell it to all giants, too...

HIPPOS IN DISGUISE
by Sheldon Biber

The Hippo is an insect
of a most enormous size
you can always tell a Hippo
even when he's in disguise
('Cause of something in his eyes)

One Day I met a Hippo
Who was dressed up as a cow
He had me fooled completely
With his realistic "meow"
('Til I gazed beneath his brow)

I met another Hippo
who was made up as a bunny
I watched him go from flower to flower
A-gathering in honey
(Somehow his eyes looked funny)

Another Hippo that I met
Cavorted as a Jay
His tail feathers glistened
As he gaily twittered, "neigh"
(But his eyes gave him away)

So if you are a Hippo
Of a most enormous size
And want to fool all of your friends
When you are in disguise,
Close your eyes.

Another thing that you might do
Is tell your friends to shut theirs too!

HUNGRY GUS' DIET REVOLUTION
by Sheldon Biber

There was a hippopotamus
His friends all called him "Hungry Gus"
He ate so many franks and beans
He couldn't fit into his jeans

While hanging round at village bars
or puffing hard at vile cigars
at state affair or tete-a-tete
He ate and ate and ate and ate

Until he joined the ranks of those
who tend to overflow their clothes
Who gobble bread and liverwurst
until their buttons like to burst

Who dine on pudding from a can
or marmalade or marzipan
or sour balls or lichee nuts
or anything to stuff their guts

Who chug-a-lug their sodas down
'til stomachs float and tonsils drown
then swallow chips and kippers up
and cannot zip their zippers up

Who lounge around among their friends
reflecting on their dubious ends
then take another butter pat
and sit around and chew the fat

Well, Gus had done just that for years
munched, brunched and lunched between his tears
and swallowed struedels bit by bit
until the day his trousers split

Then snatching fate from out his jaws
He scratched his head with his front paws
and straightaway devised a plan
That's quite transferable to man

He soon looked dapper as a groom
His trouser legs had elbow room
and anywhere he chose to sit
He was admired for his fit

So if you find you're overweight
and cannot carbo-dehydrate
The self-same cure's within your means:
Just buy a larger pair of jeans

THE PYTHON AND THE MARMOSET
by Sheldon Biber

The python and the marmoset
are both ten inches tall
and yet they do not get along
in most respects at all
So if you're walking in the wood
and hear a subdued crunch

It just might be a python
having marmoset for lunch

THE BUNNY AND THE POLAR BEAR
by Sheldon Biber
The bunny and the polar bear
are both a snowy white
Yet one will fill your heart with love
the other one with fright
So if you see a pinkish nose
before you try to grab it
Make sure it's on a polar bear
And not the fearsome rabbit

All poems are Copyright by Sheldon Biber